14
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BIG TIPS
Their love lives are a mess. Should I just stay out of it?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
It was so humid yesterday, I came home feeling like someone had poured a plate of raw scallops down my shirt and then had rubbed them in.
Here's a steaming tip from my hot, hot week. Save yourself some time when cutting chard, or the green of your choice. Just fold the leaf the long way, then use a scissors to snip through the two layers at once along the tough central stalk. Pow! No fussy maneuvering up one side and down the other with a knife. Then turn on the kitchen fan and steam 'em up.
Dear M. T.,
I need help with a friend in a multi-year relationship. The “marriage" has been on the skids for some time. In couples counseling, their counselor nearly jumped out the window to get away from them, and the two of them admit (when they're firing on all cylinders) that they are in co-dependent hell. But neither is willing to turn loose of the other, even though it's hell most of the time between moments of (apparent) bliss.
I've just about given up on both of them, and I object to becoming some sort of unwitting enabler for them-when both see the problem but won't do the decent thing for the other one and "fucking move on!”
I had a couple of women friends years ago who were also self-destructive and codependent. One would leave the other, and a few days later move back in, only to run away, again, covered in totally serious bite marks on her arms and back! Yoww! That's what I see coming for my male friends. If they won't help themselves, shouldn't I just walk away rather than beat myself up, time and again, because they apparently enjoy living in hell 24/7?
On the other situation in my life... One of the guys at work (my employee) is in trouble personally. His lover is a total parasite! Workguy is a total doormat. To make matters worse, one of the guys here at work (let's call him the Nice Opportunist) took a shine to Workguy and began pursuing him, since he knew that Workguy was at odds with the Parasite. Meanwhile, things were turning ugly, and Workguy and the Parasite got into a couple of shoving matches and started swinging at each other.
About a week ago, Workguy moved to a hotel room nearby using the company credit card, and stayed the night. The Nice Opportunist accompanied him. The Parasite moved out the next day after Workguy left him for the night, but not very far: just to a pal's house in
town.
Workguy moped through about half a week without the Parasite in the apartment. The Parasite called Workguy several times to curse at him and tell him how stupid and fat and worthless he was, but all Workguy cared about was that he got to hear the Parasite's voice.
Then the Parasite came back. Workguy would not have told anyone at the office about the Parasite's return, but one morning I called
Workguy about something and the Parasite answered the phone. I told the Nice Opportunist that the Parasite was back because I like the Nice Opportunist a lot more than Workguy right now, and I care more for his feelings than Workguy's co-dependency.
Workguy admits that his primary concern is being alone. The Parasite fills a need. If Workguy ever asks for help again in fleeing the Parasite, it ain't coming from me. I don't think I'm being heartless or a hardass, but this codependency thing is just about the stupidest thing I've ever encountered!
The Enabler
Dear... well, "Enabler" says it best,
Here's what it is: It's hard to watch your friends having a hard time and doing stupid things, but butt out. If a couple seems to be in an abusive situation, make sure the abused person knows the phone numbers for domestic violence resources, and that you'll be there with a floor to sleep on in a crisis, and then disengage.
Stop listening to Workguy talk about either the Parasite or the Nice Opportunist. Stop telling the Nice Opportunist anything he couldn't find out on his own. It's hard not to gossip, especially when it's in the guise of compassion, but you're just perpetuating drama, and creating an atmosphere in which Workguy gets attention and support without doing what he needs to do. Enough said.
Dear Big Tipper,
I read with interest the letter from the reader that told of using rubbing alcohol for a crotch/other area deodorant. I tried it and am pleased to find it works. It takes away that summer male odor that spoils a shower so quickly.
I have also found in the past that vinegar makes a fine and inexpensive deodorant, but smells until it dries. Once dried, it has no odor. It also works to neutralize the bacteria like rubbing alcohol. So I vote for the alcohol: It has little odor, dries quickly and it pretty cheap too. But readers may wish to try the vinegar also. They both work great for underarms and the crotch.
Dear Inodorous,
Dedicated Reader
This is one of the best ideas I've heard, short of actually studding your armpits with cloves.
For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-a-brac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.
For more information on this “Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
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